TEN OCCASSIONS WHEN IT IS BETTER TO LIE

1) SHOULD I LOOSE WEIGHT? This question is almost always asked by women. When your wife asks this question, watch it! Is she REALLY looking for a frank answer? If the answer is yes, ask yourself: would it be loving to tell your spouse that she looks like a bag of garri tied in the middle if that’s exactly how she looks? Probably not. The truth is when your wife asks you this question, what she may be looking for is assurance that you love her regardless of her size. So you should lie and do so cheerfully. And a very good reply will be: I THINK YOU LOOK JUST AS SMASHING AS EVER. You may tactfully add, BUT MIND YOU, YOU CAN NO LONGER WEAR THAT PRETTY SILK PRADA DRESS I BOUGHT FOR YOU FROM ITALY AND IT FITS YOU SO WELL. That’s how to tell the truth while lying through your teeth! 2) DO YOU LOVE ME OR IS IT JUST MY BODY? Any woman who asks this question is profoundly naïve. YOU CANNOT LOVE A GHOST! Whether we admit it or not, looks play an integral part when it comes to attraction between a man and woman. Other qualities may later complement it though, but physical attraction is pivotal to a man and woman coming together. So how should you answer this loaded question? Try this: Take her hand (a part of her body), look intently into her eyes (another part of her flesh) and say with all the sincerity you can muster OF COURSE IT’S YOU I LOVE AND NOT YOUR BODY. The good thing about this lie is that it will eventually become the truth. In the early stages of marriage, physical attraction plays a big role, but with passing of time, when the physical features wane, what keeps a relationship going is the mutual understanding that you both have built over time. 3) HOW DO I LOOK? She has just come back from a shopping spree after months of pestering; you finally caved in and gave her a part of your little fortune to upgrade her wardrobe. She picks her favorite of the lot and excitedly runs to the bedroom to try it on for you to admire. You are waiting anxiously for her to come and do the cat walks, displaying what you hope will make eyes pop and other women green with envy. And then she finally appears all smiles and cat walks before you for about 6(six) steady minutes! Finally she stops in a pose taken from the latest edition of VOGUE magazine, smiling like she just won a gold medal in the Olympics, she asks: HOW DO I LOOK? You’re completely flabbergasted, astonished, stupefied, mesmerized, terrified, puzzled, and even alarmed! You ask yourself if she’s trying to pull a joke on you. The dress, style, colors just isn’t it; you must be very whimsical and defying to ever think of wearing anything near this dress. What was she thinking when she bought it? You think hard and hard and hard, no clues. The last time you remember seeing something similar was in the circus. So how will you answer? You must be a sadist and a hater of happiness to tell her exactly what you feel given her present mood. Why would you want to spoil her day? After all, the harm has been done. If it makes her happy, then so be it. You have to lie and do so bravely! The perfect reply will be: HONEY YOU LOOK CHARMING! STUNNING, B-E-U-T-I-F-U-L! Why make it hard on yourself? Only resolve in your heart that she’ll never wear that dress when you are going out together. 4) ‘WHO WAS THAT ON THE PHONE? Jealousy is rottenness to the bones’. You will agree with me that nothing evokes feelings of jealousy more than your spouse knowing you are having a conversation with your EX. So if your Ex calls you for whatever reason, be very discreet if your wife wants to know who you were with on the phone. It is even likely that she suspects that you are having a chat with your EX. So to confirm her worst fears would be disastrous. We all know that even the most innocent of conversations will spell doom especially if your wife or husband is very possessive. If you love your marriage and you want peace, then you have no option than to lie! So when she/he asks WHO WAS THAT ON THE PHONE? Just shrug and say it’s your mechanic who is asking for his balance from the repairs on your vehicle. Some women/men have also used this occasion to irk a mate whom they feel is not jealous enough. So when the mechanic actually calls, she/he replies and says: Oh that my Ex who still cannot put up with the fact I’m now married. I really pity him/her. WORD OF CAUTION THOUGH: THIS LATER TACTIC COULD BOOMERANG ON YOU SUCH THAT YOU GET A REPLY LIKE: OK IN THAT CASE I’M OFF TO SEE MY EX! 5) WAS IT LIKE THIS WITH HER? If you are a practicing Christian like me, then you must admit that it is a sad but sobering reality that although we all pray to get married just once in a life time, there are times when situations absolutely beyond our control necessitates a second marriage; this could be occasioned by factors like the death of a spouse, divorce etc. Even for my Muslim counterparts who have no qualms with marrying a second, third or fourth wife, this lie I’m about to introduce will come in handy. Imagine that you have succeeded in marrying another wife in place of / or in addition to your first wife. On the first night of your honeymoon, she pops up this question: WAS IT LIKE THIS WITH HER? Honestly, any woman (and it is almost always a woman) who asked this question should be regarded as the most inconsiderate person alive. We all know that “our first love is always the deepest”. We also know that had situations not gone out of control, she would never have been here in the first place. Since comparing two persons is NEVER a wise thing to do, this question should be handled with utmost tact, diplomacy and guile. Since no two individuals are exactly alike, then she can never be an exact replacement. It’s totally wrong to compare herself to the wife of your youth, a woman you married in your youthful zest! The right answer to this question on a good day should be equally very inconsiderate and blunt. It should sound like “haba! How can you compare a woman I married when I was 29 and she was 21 to yourself- a 30-something year old woman “(or whatever her age is)? But watch it! This woman is now your WIFE, and you have to be careful about what you say to her if you want to enjoy anything near happiness in your new marriage. So how will you answer that question? Try this: Just look at her, smile, and say in a very low tone: IT CAN NEVER BE LIKE THIS WITH ANYONE ELSE. There could never be any better answer ever! 6) DID YOU MISS ME? You have been anticipating this day for a long time – when your parents will travel for two weeks without taking you along. They have left enough food, money and counsel to last a lifetime! But unknown to them, they have also given you two weeks’ passport to total and absolute freedom! You wave them bye wishing that they have as swell a time as you anticipate for yourself. A new life begins. At last you can wake up at 10:00am and nobody bothers you. You even had breakfast on bed, watched One Tree Hill for 16 hrs none stop and no one to scream at you. You hang out with your pips until 11:30 pm and return home without having to explain to anyone why you kept out so late. What a life! You keep pinching yourself to confirm that this is not a dream but concrete reality. And just when you are getting used to this new and exciting freedom, you hear a car horn and look at the window to see who could be there. Behold they are your MUM and DAD! How could 14 days fly by just like that? You come to your senses, look around to see if there’s anything out of place. You quickly fix whatever needs to be fixed and rush to open the gate. As you help our parents unpack, your mum puts her hand on your shoulder and asks: DID YOU MISS ME? If only she could read your mind! Then she’ll know that all you wished is that they just get in the car and go back to wherever they are coming from. But the question is still there and an answer is anticipated. So what will you say? “Mum I honestly wish that you both should just get right in the car and extend you vacation for another two years”. Yes that’s what you’ll love to tell them, but you ain’t gonna say any of that stuff. You must lie and do so innocently. I MISSED YOU BADLY! WHY DID YOU KEEP SO LONG? THIS PLACE IS DEAD WITHOUT YOU. NOW I’VE COME TO SEE JUST HOW SIGNIFICANT YOUR PRESENCE IS IN MY LIFE. – Not exactly a lie anyway since they are a hindrance to your freedom. That said, you will get gifts from both parents. See why it pays to lie? 7) DO YOU LIKE MY PEOPLE? If only we could fall in love with a man or a woman without having anything to do with his/her family! Life would have been less stressful and more fun. If you live in Africa, then you already know that falling in love with a woman or man is tantamount to having to fall in love with his/her dad, mum, siblings, cousin, nieces, nephews, in-laws …and the list is endless. If you are frank with yourself, you probably admit that meeting your prospective Father and mother in-law could be one of the most stressful point in a courtship. If on meeting them, you really do like them, then you must be among the most fortunate of persons breathing oxygen on planet earth. For a good number however, the opposite this usually the case. We almost always find our in-laws to be the biggest bores and a boil-in-the-armpit. If you truly love your partner and are serious about tying the knot, then you must hide your true feelings about future in-laws. They play a crucial part to a successful courtship! So if your fiancé/fiancée asks DO YOU LIKE MY PEOPLE? Say yes if you truly like them. But what if you don’t? To speak the truth will be disastrous. You have to lie! Try saying something like “I THINK THEY ARE FASCINATING!”(After all, we all enjoy watching even live snakes from a distance) you may qualify this lie by adding “I LIKE YOUR MUM, BUT COULD YOU TELL HER THAT WE’LL NOT NEED HER TO BE PRESENT ON OUR HONEYMOON?” 8) YOU KEEP STARING. DO YOU LIKE HER/HIM? If there ever were any defect in nature, I think it’s in the area of attraction between the opposite sexes. We all are aware that so many forces inter-play when a man comes in contact with a woman he admires and vice versa. Unfortunately, those forces are not switched off the moment you get married to the woman or man of your dreams. The sad result is that you are still capable of seeing another woman or man and still feel like wow, that chic/ guy is hot. If you deny this, you are probably not being true to yourself. If you are God fearing however, you will resist the urge on act on those thoughts. So what if you were taking a walk with your spouse and you get caught staring at another woman/man? How would you or better still, how should you answer this question: YOU KEEP STARING. DO YOU LIKE HER/HIM? Be very careful about answering this question if you have been caught cheating on your spouse in the past, or you are under constant suspicion of cheating, then to admit that you were just admiring her/him albeit like a piece of art would be disastrous! There’s no need whatsoever to start what you cannot finish. Lie! And do so with conviction. The best answer should read like” staring? At who? Of course not! I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have such a matured, dedicated, and faithful wife/husband to call my own. You know it’s very difficult to find a wife/husband like you in this debauched society that we live in”. Even if she/he doesn’t completely believe you, it’s still the best answer you can give; reason is one a part of her/ him will want to believe those words even if another part doubts. 9) SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PAST the setting is perfect. You’re sitting at a table reserved for two in a very expensive restaurant and having a swell time with your date – a tall, dark, and handsome guy who drives a BMW 7 series. All evening, you’ve been humming ‘it shall be permanent…what the Lord has done for me it shall be …..’ in your heart knowing that if you handle this carefully, you have reached the Promised Land! You are getting to know each other more and the evening is progressing as it should. Then all of a sudden, he asks you to TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR PAST. Your past? Where will you begin, where should you begin? If you nurture the ambition of walking to the alter with this guy someday soon, then you have to deploy all the wits you can muster and use it very effectively. To tell him that he is the 186th guy you will be dating since you discovered boys 16 yrs ago (when you were just 13yrs old) would be profound idiocy. Why should you tell him that you’ve had six (6) abortions but are still sure you can have kids? Would you want him to know that you used to smoke more that a chimney? Or that you won many drinking bouts while competing with renowned drunkards? Of course not! You have repented, left you past life and are now a ‘new creation’. In fact you hung up you championship belt about two years ago and have never touched any alcohol nor smoked a cigarette. So why make it hard for yourself? We all know that even the most licentious man would want to marry a virgin if he could. If in doubt, go and ask 2Face Idibia. So when your date asks to know about your past, this is what you should do: just shrug and say “nothing much, I’ve had one or two relationship that didn’t workout, but besides that, nothing, I hardly go out cos I’m a bit of an introvert.” This is just the reply he is expecting to hear. To attempt to let him into your past - even a little of it, will be to ‘format’ whatever you already have going. 10) ISN’T SHE BEAUTIFUL? He’s been raving about this queen who’s agreed to be his wife. She’s tall, shapely fair and is a great look alike of Beyonce Knowles. You are all eager to meet this damsel who has agreed to become part of your family. The day has been set for a formal introduction and you have traveled 159km just to meet your prospective sister-in-law. Finally, she comes in the company of your brother. He is smiling like he just won a hundred million Pounds Sterling in a jackpot. You all stare, mouths agape for 10 solid seconds before you recover from this rude disappointment. You quickly extend hospitality by welcoming and making her comfortable. The introduction is done. She has been escorted back home and your kid brother rushes back and excitedly asks you this question: ISN’T SHE BEAUTIFUL? It is very natural to tease him if you feel that he over exaggerated her looks. No harm will be done. But suppose that you sincerely feel that she’s not anything near pretty, not to talk of resembling Beyonce? What if an apt and frank description would be to tell your brother that she seemed to have been assembled form bits left over from creation? Or that her face seems to have been carved out of granite. What if you are firmly convinced that, judging from her looks, she couldn’t have been directly created by God; perhaps God was too busy and so delegated the task to an angel who obviously didn’t look at what he was doing? You must be a sadist, killjoy and hater of anything progressive to speak the truth. Recall that this is the only lady in the world that currently makes your kid brother feel complete and happy. Why spoil his new found joy. After all. Beauty they say lies in the eyes of the beholder. If in his eyes she’s a Beyonce replica, so be it. So the appropriate thing to do in this instance is to lie. Stand up, take your brother’s hand, shake it vigorously and tell him: CONGRATS MY BROTHER, YOU’VE JUST WON YOURSELF A GOLD MEDAL. SHE’S TRULLY BEAUTIFUL AS YOU SAID.HER LOOKS ARE BEYOND WORDS (which is not exactly a lie anyway). Nothing else could be better. N.B: SO THOSE ARE THE TEN LIES I THINK ARE WORTH TELLING. I MUST WARN YOU THAT IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO TELL THE TRUTH NO MATTER HOW INCONVENIENCING IT IS. THIS IS ESPECIALLY TRUE IF YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT LYING. MORE SO, TELLING A LIE IDENTIFIES YOU WITH THE DEVIL WHO THE BIBLE CALLS ‘THE FATHER OF THE LIE’- JOHN 8:44